15 Ways Sex Is Different in a Long-term Relationship
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How do we go from wanting to have sex all the time to
“I just don’t want to have sex as much as I used to … or at all”?
How do we go from “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and make love to you, my love!”
to “I’m too tired and just want to read. You go to sleep, dear”?
There is a certain price that comes with almost all long-term relationships — and you might not like this.
Sexual passion and desire are guaranteed to dwindle and fall away.
Even the happiest of couples go through the decline. And too often, the impact is not felt until it turns severe.
A bit like the frog in a warming pot of water.
At the beginning, the water is just fine.
But over time, it gets warmer and warmer — but not enough for the frog to jump out in time. It doesn’t notice there’s a problem until it’s cooked.
Sex changes dramatically during the long years of marriage, but too often, we don’t sound the alarm soon enough.
With low levels of that important sex energy in us, we start to give up on intimacy all together, even when our starting point was a loving and passionate relationship.
The good news is that at any stage of the relationship, by noticing the shifts, you can take action to move towards each other instead of away.
How Sex Changes Over Time & Impacts Your Relationship
Sex in the beginning was fun, spontaneous and exciting. You couldn’t stop thinking about each other.
But it was not you — your biology made you do it.
I talk about this in the Why Sex Dies in a Long-term Relationship video —>
Ain the beginning, the hormones of sexual attraction and lust are powerful; our survival as a species depends on them. They motivate us to think about each other all the time: reaching out, calling and doing special things to each other. And that energy to make all that effort … that’s the hormones.
In a long-term relationship, those hormones wane. Thankfully, because it’s not sustainable to be running on high all the time.
Past that honeymoon phase, we stop doing the things that made the beginning magical. We become lazy.
It’s easy to prioritize urgent things over the romantic, and to not have as much energy for each other. Responsibilities kick in, too. These changes drastically shift the way sex looks in a long-term relationship and the connection that you feel with each other.
Here is the complete list of how sex and sexual desire change in a long-term relationship — and their impact on the relationship:
1. PRIORITIES SHIFT
Before: You were making space to be with each other, carving out time after work to talk on the phone or meet up, spending weekends away (often making love several times a day). You felt important. You felt desired. And from there, it was easy to slip into sexual activity on a moment's notice.
Now: Work, kids, pets, and the house take priority. On a daily basis, you are last on each other’s to-do list. After you’ve done it all, the last thing you feel like is being romantic with each other. At the end of the day, you roll into bed exhausted, hoping to shut your partner out so you can get some sleep. And at best, you schedule a weekly date night, but you’re too exhausted to enjoy it. Sex seems so far away.
2. MAKING EACH OTHER FEEL SPECIAL
Before: You went out of your way to make each other feel good. Whether with an unprompted bouquet of flowers or a deep kiss when your partner walked into the door, you made an effort to make each other feel special and important. And that fueled your desire and passion to reach for each other. Feeling wanted is an aphrodisiac.
Now: You see your partner reaching for their phone rather than for you. The days of the “I love you” notes and “I miss you” texts are gone. Day to day, your partner’s presence annoys you more than it energizes you. You treat each other as household partners, co-parents, roommates, and you no longer feel special to each other — not in that lover “I am thinking about you” way.
3. SEX FREQUENCY
Before: Sex was spontaneous. Anything and everything was equal opportunity to get it on. Movie date at the theater ended up in a make-out session and running home to jump into bed. You stopped the car in hidden places along your road-trip, arriving late at your destination, and you didn’t care. You woke up in the morning after a sleepless night making love, only to do it again. You sneaked out at lunch time for that quickie. It was hot, unpredictable and fun.
Now: If you remember that you’ve not had sex for a month, you sound the alarm. It’s like a chore that you forgot to do. You go through a deliberate process to get in the mood so that you can feel like you’ve done your job, “your wifely duty.” And you might feel sexually broken that you’re not feeling it spontaneously anymore. And your partner feels rotten, having gotten sex because of obligation, not desire. It feels bad all around, but a breadcrumb is better than going starving.
4. RECONNECTING AFTER BEING APART
Before: Being apart was torture — so you sent texts or love notes sharing your anticipation and desires. “I miss you, I can’t wait to touch you when I see you again. That kiss from yesterday — I can still taste you on my lips.” You were on each other’s minds, in each other’s hearts, and the touch lingered on each other’s bodies. And that anticipation was a big turn-on.
Now: Your partner walks into the door and you want to know is if they did all the things on the to-do list. Calls go straight to practicalities. Texts too. Your presence is desired because you’re there to get something done, relieve your partner with the kids, or deliver on a responsibility. You are no longer that exciting. And that disconnect spills over into sex, coming into it as if you’re strangers.
5. HER LIBIDO LEVELS
Before: The woman was raring to go into sex. She wanted was to kiss and touch her partner — and have his hands all over her body. She was easily excitable and loved to be physical. Whether spontaneously breaking out into a dance or pulling her partner in close to her, she showed interest in being sexual. He loves her attention and opens his heart to her, having her at the center of his attention.
Now: She seems disconnected and aloof. She bristles when her partner sneaks up on her in the kitchen or pulls away if he brushes against her in bed. Her libido seems to be non-existent, save for when she’s ovulating or during vacations. To have sex, she has to get herself ready and “in the mood.” It’s hard work, like preparing to hike Kilimanjaro, and it’s easily the last thing on her to-do list. The man sees that she is uncomfortable and feels like he’s inconveniencing her when he wants her to to want him; he pulls away rejected and she feels his withdrawal. She has no idea how to want sex again.
6. DEEP CONVERSATIONS
Before: You lost track of time in bed or on long walks, talking about your dreams and passions. You shared what scares you and what makes you come alive. You dreamt together. These conversations made you feel so close — and so hot for each other.
Now: You’re lucky if you get to say hi passing each other in the hallway. You walk into the door from work and … it’s down to the details. Your communication is about what needs to be done (or worse, what you did wrong). You don’t feel like lovers or seen for who you are … how can you want to have sex from there?
7. HIS EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY
Before: With lots of sexual connection and desire, he was emotionally open and wanted to connect. He felt safe when she wanted to know him, just for him. And she loved having him open his heart to her — that was so sexy to her. She wanted to have sex with him and initiated. He was patient and supportive.
Now: With her sexual interest in him gone, he feels like he’s just a practical provider — the guy who takes care of the kids, the work, changing the oil in the car and whatever needs to get done. He asks for sex, but he feels resentful that he needs to ask for it. And that criticism from everything he’s not doing right eats at him. He feels deflated. He shows up half-heartedly in all that he does — less emotions, less romantic or special gestures, just doing what he needs to do. They pull away from each other.
8. THE GOAL OF TOUCH
Before: You took pleasure in each other’s bodies. You reached for each other — to stroke each other’s face, for a deep kiss, to hold hands, to explore every nook and cranny, to experience pleasure together — because it felt so good to touch. You lingered in each other’s embrace — without a goal, just desire. You wanted to be naked together.
Now: You go through the motions, knowing exactly which buttons are safe to push to get the outcome you want. You go through “around the bases” sex — a kiss, fondle the breasts, touch the genitals, go for the home run — all in 15 minutes just get to the goal. Rinse and repeat, every single time. Safe and reliable to get you sex — and reliably boring.
9. FOREPLAY
Before: Everything was foreplay. Feeling the anticipation, touching, looking at each other, feeling each other at a distance. Everything you did sparked sexual desire for each other.
Now: Foreplay is reduced to a few pecks on the lips, grabbing her breasts, maybe a massage or … nothing at all. It’s predictable and boring. Like a Pavlovian bell, it comes with the expectation that sex is to follow, and the pressure to make it work.
10. THE PURPOSE OF THE RELATIONSHIP
Before: Your relationship was about you — just you, as lovers — and you got to play. Everything felt like play, at least. Dates, weekends away, dreaming and planning. All you had to do was to enjoy each other, no responsibilities, expectations or strings attached. Sex had a natural place in this dynamic.
Now: Then came the commitment — to each other and to the responsibilities. The usuals: mortgage, bills, pets, kids, and household chores. You feel proud of having your shit together and also weighed down by … everything and everyone who depends on you. You have to show up — and sex is yet another thing that you’re now responsible for delivering to your partner. You have to live up to your wifely duties — and that’s no libido starter.
11. BEING YOUR BEST SELF
Before: You showed up on dates or weekends away as your best selves. You spent time preening and preparing yourself, working out and resting ahead of your dates. You put your best foot forward. You came into the relationship having had space and time to take care of yourself, do the activities that lit you up and fulfilled you.
Now: With the responsibilities and chores and trying to survive it all, you are a shell of yourself. Your favorite activities and time to yourself have gone by the wayside. You look back at the fun, sexy, easygoing person you were, and you feel a sting of regret right there in your chest. You don’t have much to give to your partner, sexually or otherwise. Sex is now something you do, “perform,” so to speak, because you surely don’t feel sexy or even sexual.
12. EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY
Before: The reason you got together was that you felt safe and free to share what you wanted, liked or dreamed about with each other. You were courageous to open up to share your most naked parts. And you felt heard, seen and understood.
Now: After many rounds of rejections and hurts, and sleepless nights feeling resentful, you guard yourself. You don’t want to risk getting hurt again — or to hurt your partner. You walk on eggshells with each other. You can’t say this or that. You dare not do certain things. Because you know that if you say something, things will explode. Talking about sex is a minefield.
13. INITIATING SEX
Before: You both initiated because you wanted each other: to have him inside of you, to touch and take her. It was a flawless dance where no one is leading and everyone is leading, all at once. It was all so playful and easy, that you didn’t have to think about it.
Now: You call into the pattern where one person is initiating sex, getting things going, asking for more, and the other is rejecting, pushing back, holding the key to the garden. You get stuck in sexual gridlock cycles that result in the same conversation, same fight, same frustration. If sex happens, it’s either out of obligation or appeasement — and both of these equally feel terrible. It’s a lose/lose situation.
14. SEXUAL DESIRE
Before: Sexual desire was a never-ending spring: abundant and flowing. You could have it any time, anywhere, under any conditions. Who needed sleep, when you were running on fumes from all that sexual attraction and lust pumping?!
Now: Sexual desire is scarce. You grab it when you can. It feels so fleeting. And there is no way to recreate it reliably. Maybe you get to feel a glimpse of it during vacation. Or that time of the month. And it’s gone again. You feel so powerless and frustrated.
15. CONNECTION
Before: You were the beaming couple. When you were together, you held hands in public and were not afraid to kiss. And this energy impacted you all around: friends and co-workers commented on the sparkle in your eyes and that extra spring in your step. You radiated closeness and connection — and that made you feel good about yourselves and each other. It added to the sexiness of the relationship and the excitement to get it on again.
Now: When you go out, you’re talking details — or worse, arguing. You’re the couple on dinner dates who would rather spend time on their phones than looking at each other. You longingly look at other couples reminiscing who you were and wondering where it had all gone.
These are all typical signs of what I call “the drift” — the shift away from feeling close and sexy to being roommates.
Like the story of turning up the heat on the frog, some don’t realize that they’re far gone until they are.
“The heartbreak doesn’t come from the lack of sex. It comes from having lost the connection to your own fire and each other — and not knowing how to find your way back. ”
This list of ways that sex changes can help you identify the kind of hurdles you might be going through in your relationship.
Couples in early stages can catch themselves drifting and can change the course of their relationship.
When couples have been experiencing these for years, it’s no easy fix.
Where Are You Today?
If you resonate with 1-3 of these and it has just been a short while, you might have a normal case of a distant relationship. You might benefit from the upcoming series of articles that will be released in this blog to help you overcome these hurdles.
If you’ve been struggling with 3-5 of these, especially over several years, you are sliding into roommate-ville. This is the time to take immediate action and work towards a resolution as you won’t stay on the fence for long. You can save your relationship now!
If you resonate with ALL of these, you are likely suffering from a perpetually passionless relationship and potentially a sexless one. Depending on how deep the wounds are, you may be able to salvage the connection and find your way to each other again. In this case, consult with a sex and intimacy coach who will help you through a personalized process to add passion and sex into your relationship.
Where Do You Go from Here?
Sexual desire and sex are worth fighting for. Because they’re about you as romantic partners, the reason why you got together in the first place. And you deserve to experience them to the fullest.
Some couples see “the drift” as a call to grow closer, to break out of patterns, to learn how to create sexual passion and magic. To get the tools and help to make sex be better over time (and it does!).
Other couples, unsupported, drift further apart, heartbroken.
The heartbreak doesn’t come from the lack of sex.
The heartbreak comes from having lost the connection to your own fire and each other — and not knowing how to find your way back.
The solution to any of these changes can change from one couple to another. That’s because the root cause of the relationship gap and the disconnect is more than just time passing by.
If you’ve been together for years, there are emotional wounds and stubborn patterns that need to be untangled.
But there is hope!
Even if all you got now is craving the magic of the early years …
Even if all you are hoping for is to once again feel desired and wanted by your partner …
There is help to overcome these long-term relationship hurdles and experience once again the heat and charge of desire in your body and the connection of sexual intimacy.
You can have it!
REAL-LIFE CASE STUDY
Read how Al & Blair, a real couple and former clients of mine, went from total emotional and sexual gridlock to finding their way to fun and passion in their relationship.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:
SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support
ENROLL in my signature step-by-step FEED YOUR LIBIDO process to learn to know what you need, how to voice that, and what to do to connect to your partner