How Common Sex Challenges Lead to a Relationship Crisis

When sex starts to feel like pressure instead of pleasure, many couples try to “fix” the problem on their own. Out of love, fear, or sheer determination, you read books, follow advice columns, or even sign up for workshops — hoping one new tip or technique will finally make things click. And for a moment, it might feel hopeful. But soon, the old patterns creep back in.

One of the biggest mistakes I see couples making is treating sex as an isolated problem, separate from everything else.

• You end up talking about who initiates, how often, or what’s happening in bed — while the deeper disconnection between you never gets addressed.

• Often, one partner takes on the responsibility alone, reading all the resources, pushing for change, and carrying the weight — while the other withdraws or resists.

• Sex becomes a repeating argument underneath every other argument, further pushing you apart.

• Sex happens rarely, under strained circumstances, or not at all.

The thing is that you get caught cycling in negative patterns without a way to stop hurting each other and that only makes the gulf between you wider.

You’re not alone. Once these negative cycles suck you in, it’s hard to get out. Without addressing the patterns underneath — resentment, loneliness, the hurts you never talk about — every new effort focusing solely on what happens in the bedroom risks becoming another cycle of disappointment.

Signs You May Be in a Downward Intimacy Spiral

List of red flags, such as:

• You argue about sex, but the real argument is about feeling undesired, unimportant, or unsafe.

• One partner withdraws; the other pushes harder for connection or initiation, creating tension.

• Physical touch is rare except when it’s “expected”; it feels mechanical or urgent rather than tender, much less passionate.

• Intimacy feels dangerous — vulnerable talk is avoided for fear of being hurt or rejected.

• You both feel lonely sleeping in the same bed together; emotional distance is growing.

• Your marriage is nearly sexless or with minimal interaction

Evaluate where you are today in the downward spiral of disconnection and pain and it will reveal how urgent you need support.

How Sex & Intimacy Coaching Can Rebuild Intimacy and Your Marriage

Marriage support that focuses on bridging the gap between sexual intimacy and emotional safety lays the foundation for enjoying physical connection again.

• Address the Root Causes: Identify and understand the underlying issues contributing to the crisis, whether it's communication breakdowns, unmet needs, trauma or infidelity.

• Rebuild Trust: Rebuild trust through transparency, accountability, and consistent actions.

• Enhance Communication: Develop healthy communication skills to express needs, listen deeply, and resolve conflicts in a way that deepens connection.

• Restore Intimacy: Gradually rebuild emotional and physical intimacy, fostering deeper connection and rekindling passion.

• Create a New Foundation: Establish new patterns of behavior and understanding disagreements become invitations to deepen — not distance.

Every couple receives personalized strategies tailored to your unique challenges. With Rebuilding Us, you’ll transform conflict into growth and build a lasting, connected intimate relationship.

A solid approach to fixing a persistent sex problem doesn’t start with theory. It starts with a deep look at your couple dynamics today and where you want to go. We base our action steps on the specific needs of your relationship and each member to restore safety, vulnerability and connection that breeds intimacy and sexual openness.

Most sex advice gives you generic tips to implement, leaving it up to you to figure out how to force-fit them into your already packed life. That is not sustainable — nor does it motivate you to invest time and energy into it. The best strategy is to create new habits that you are excited about, because they work with your life and priorities.

Classic sex therapy focuses on the physical side of sex and how to make it passionate and exciting — and that’s not enough. You need to equally attend to the emotional side of sex to develop passion and closeness. Only a holistic approach that melds sex and intimacy together can tackle sex and sexual desire challenges in a long-term relationship.

Signature “Rebuilding Us” Tools & Foundations:

• Gridlock Breakthrough Tools — Practical strategies to interrupt looping arguments, unearth the deeper needs and longing beneath, and deepen trust.

• Negotiation processes to help you arrive at solutions where both peoples’ needs are honored and fulfilled

• Connection rituals where you can let your guard down and feel heard and understood in a way that builds closeness and intimacy

How We’ll Work Together to Rebuild

The journey to extraordinary demands commitment—and the results are worth it.

Customized Sex & Intimacy Coaching

This is both a guided journey to discover you and also a free-form one that gives us space to encounter and address whatever shows up in your path. Each session is tailored to what is most pressing in the moment as well as with the eye of your ultimate goal and is a mix of both talking and experientially changing things around. Expect to learn more about yourselves and each other, break out old patterns, and gain deep confidence to show up authentically in sex, relationships and beyond.

Personal Attention and Support Between Sessions

Growth is not only what happens in the sessions. It happens between sessions — when you try things out, succeed and also fail, and learn from it.

Which is why access to me and my support between sessions is critical. You get access to me between sessions via Whatsapp/text and through bonus laser sessions, so that you can troubleshoot in real-time when you get stuck and need a helping hand to get back to safety.

This high-touch approach ensures that you get personalized support when you need it the most.

Time Commitment for Transformation

My goal is to help you create sustainable change that sticks in real-life situations, not just what happens in a session — and that takes time.

We commit to working together for at least 12 months to start; many couples extend their engagement with me to 2–3 years for sustained, life-changing intimacy. We meet weekly via virtual sessions, with optional intensive days or week-long retreats to dig deeper.

Financial Investment

Coaching packages are deeply customized and start from US$18,500 for the core package. Couples in crisis needing an urgent boost of hope and healing also have the option to enroll in an unlimited annual package where you have unlimited support during the duration of the year; these packages start at US$28,500. Flexible payment plans are available and to be discussed during your free strategy call.

Emotional and Energetic Investment

This isn’t passive listening. You’ll prompted to engage in daily connection assignments, breaking out of the rut of old (destructive) patterns and fostering new habits of intimacy. Expect to work up to spending several hours a week deeply connecting, touching, and/or playing with each other (which is your hopefully your goal to begin with!).

VIRTUAL COACHING: I am an American currently based in Europe and work virtually via the online conferencing platform Zoom with English-speaking clients all over the world, including the US, Canada, Europe, UK, Israel, the Middle East and Australia. 

There is no sexual contact involved under any circumstances.

Hi, I Am Irene Fehr, MA, CPCC, SEP

WOMAN, LOVER, INTIMACY WARRIOR, NATURE LOVER, FRANCOPHILE and SEX & INTIMACY COACH SINCE 2012

I am not here to tell you how to do things in sex to make it passionate. The last thing you need is something telling you what to do.

I am here to listen to your dreams and needs and then expertly guide you to realize them. It’s that simple.

In addition to helping hundreds of couples to create, rebuild, rekindle their intimate relationship, my work and views on what makes love and sex work in long-term relationships have been featured in more than 40 podcasts and in major media outlets around the world.

Inviting Partner on Board to Get Marriage Support

Need help talking to your partner about getting support for rekindling your relationship with a sex & intimacy coach?

Maybe you’re already on the same page in rekindling sex and intimacy in your relationship, and this conversation will be a piece of cake.

For most couples, however, approaching a partner about working on the relationship can feel intimidating or scary. Don’t despair!

I’ve created a special guide on how to approach talking to your partner about hiring a sex coach. It includes a special process and a downloadable PDF worksheet for you to fill out to make the conversation a lot easier and more successful.

Download free guide: how to talk to partner about a sex coach

And if your partner seems resistant to the idea of getting marriage support, check out my blog post that will help you understand what might be going on for them.