Sex & the Coronavirus: Tips for Cohabiting Couples

COVID-19 has turned lives upside down for most people. 

If you’re a couple who has spent time apart because of work or travel, being at home 24/7 with kids is likely to be overwhelming. 

If you’re a couple who is used to going out for entertainment and date nights, being stuck at home can put a damper on newness and excitement. 

And if you’re a woman who’s had to manage the details of home and work before, your life has intensified thousand-fold. 

Life has been upended, any which way you look at it. Everything from boredom to frustration to tension are setting in — and these don’t really spell “sexy.”

Which is why it’s important to notice how you approach sex right now, individually and as a couple. Don’t expect sparks to fly the old “fun” way. 

In this environment, the old formulas of fun dinner dates and flirty moods simply don’t work. Feeling your inner sex goddess or being particularly amorous towards your partner is not only unrealistic, it puts pressure to be something that you’re currently not.

Here are some tips to work with sex in a different way in the times of Corona.

Expect Sex to Look Differently

Instead of trying for sex to be the same as before — light, romantic, fun — look to meet each other in the emotional state that you’re in (not where you wish you were). Don’t override the current state of affairs; work with it.

It sounds complicated but it will become clearer soon. For now just notice what is the emotional state that you are in right now? Most likely, it’s a state of deep vulnerability and neediness. 

The concerns of getting ill, losing elderly relatives, and where the next paycheck might come from are real and on everyone’s minds. Which means that we’re all extra needy during these times — needy for attention, for feeling safe and reassured, for feeling understood and validated, for tension release during these stressful times … in addition to wanting to feel desired and wanted. We need to know that we’re not alone in this intense time and that we matter to each other. 

And when you can be met where you are and feel like your partner is there with you, sexual connection here can go beyond the purely physical of friction sex and the recognition-focused validation sex. When you vulnerably approach your partner with your needs and desires and risk exposing yourself, you can create what I call deep “connection sex” — the kind of sex that you don’t have to perform or get yourself in the mood for. It naturally grows out of meeting each other in the moment exactly as you are and sending the message that you’re there with each other.

Watch the video on what makes connection sex sustainable, passionate and satisfying in a long-term relationship.

To create it, start with where you are and use sex as a way to be with each other. 

Let the physical create a safe space for the emotional to arise and build from there — build from that connection and let whatever arises to arise. 

It may be reaching out to be in your partner’s arms or to touch them, as a way to feel reassured.

It may be initiating a deep kiss because you know that your partner’s reciprocation will have them feel important and desired.

It may be inviting them upstairs while the kids watch TV to touch and be with each other to show that we, as a couple, matter.

Connection sex can turn into a raw and vulnerable experience, involving a wide range of emotions — from frustration to anger, and even collapsing into a puddle of raw sadness. Sex can become an expression of your longing for surrender to what is happening, or a way to grieve what is no longer, or as validation from your partner, or as a merging with them into a unit of one.

And that’s the power of connection sex — it can open you up to being nourished and filled up in more than just physical ways. 

Build Sexual Desire with Micro Expressions 

In this environment, the regular formulas for building sexual desire do not work. There is no date night to be had, no dinner to go out too, no hotel to check into to avoid responsibilities of home. Plus, the mood is simply not one of fun and excitement.

To build sexual desire requires thinking in micro expressions of desire. 

Whether you’re stuck at home with kids and have no time for each other, or feel bored cooped up together, small gestures of desire and wanting towards your partner will make a big difference.

And this is not just gestures of caring — but also gestures of desire and seeing your partner as an adult and lover, not just a parent and caretaker.

It’s the moments of making eye contact to show each other that you see each other — really see each other.

It’s the words of appreciation and admiration for what your partner is doing.

It’s reaching out to touch their arm or put your hand on their back as a way to show that you know they’re there and you’re there with them.

It’s the moment of lingering in a kiss to really feel them and let them feel your presence with them.

It’s whispering to them that you’d love to be touching them right now or later (even though you’re wrapped up in something else in the moment).

For parents, it’s important to carve out time to themselves as adults and as lovers — not just parents and caretakers. In the absence of significant private time as a couple, these little moments of affection and desire — small gestures of “I know you’re there, I see you my lover” — can leave each person feeling stronger, more confident, more seen and met … and desiring more closeness and connection with each other. 

And that’s a powerful starter for sex.

Be Sensitive to the Circumstances 

Sensitivity is key in these intense and uncertain times.

Knowing that these are extraordinary times, don’t try to do what worked before. 

Asking for sex or initiating sex the same way you did before might not work now — the conditions are different. 

So pay attention to the state of your partner — how are they feeling, what do they need, what message are they sending. 

Now, more than ever, learning to read the deeper communication of our partners is important. As is being curious and asking questions about what each needs. Staying silent or sending hints will make tensions even worse right now. Now is the time to be bold, to ask for sex in a way that you are not used to and to initiate touch and not wait for it to happen by itself.