How to Make Sex Work in a Long-term Monogamous Relationship
Can sex actually grow, expand and get better over time
in a long-term relationship?
Hi! I am Irene Fehr, sex coach for committed couples, and I am going to tell you about the repeating patterns that I see couples make that either lead them to losing sexual connection in a long-term relationship — or creating a sustainable long-term sexual relationship that is ever-evolving, exciting, passionate and intimate.
Watch the video training above or read below to learn about the 3 types of sex — then let’s talk about creating a breakthrough in your relationship.
Apply for a complimentary 30-minute phone consultation, where you can share what’s going on for you and I can make recommendations on the best next step.
In summary …
Driven by our hormones, physical needs and desire for sexual gratification
Can be passionate, fun and pleasurable, especially with a new partner
Over time, couples will start to experience what I call “diminishing returns”
It will feel repetitive and therefore boring
It’ll feel like it’s more and more work to get the same level of pleasure and excitement
Couples might conclude that they’re no longer sexually attracted to each other or the spark is gone
The truth is this kind of sex has a short shelf-life in a long-term relationship. When focusing merely on sexual attraction and physical pleasure (without being able to connect more deeply on an emotional level), sex naturally fizzles out as both the newness and the chemicals of the initial sexual attraction wane.
Validation sex is typical in the beginnings of a romantic relationship, where the desire to express love, affection and validation fuels our sexual desire.
In the beginning, sex often feels warm and loving, and partners feel wanted and desired. However, as the bond grows, so does the natural fear of losing each other. We begin to demand validation from our partners, not merely want it.
Here, partners will often use sex to fulfill their demands for validation — hence the name.
When the answer to a request for sex is positive, it feels amazing.
Inevitably, however, there will be times when your partner rejects your sexual advances — or you have to reject theirs — and these rejections are taken personally. Sex becomes a battleground for attachment struggles and begins to look like a demand and a chore.
In the process of keeping the love going, partners stop taking risks with each other — whether it’s expressing their true desires or speaking up — reducing the very thing that sparks passion in a relationship.
Here, couples will either
Fight it out for validation
Choose cuddling over sex, because sex brings up too much anxiety for both
Resort to Friction Sex to “get the deed done” to keep their partners happy
Couples might try date nights “to rekindle the romance,” but they will find themselves unable to shift the needle because the fundamental fears and patterns that create this cycle go unaddressed. Passion and inevitably sex begin to dwindle and die out.
There is a third type of sex … that is different from the others. Whereas “Friction Sex” and “Validation Sex” simply happen to us, this third type of sex is deliberately created. It is intentional.
It is based on our highest needs to realize our deepest human potential in connection with a partner AND a full surrender to something greater, beyond oneself — the sexual connection that gets created together.
It is sex that emerges out of the connection between partners — thus key to this kind of sex is connection.
It is in connection that eroticism can arise …
That love can be expressed and reciprocated …
Where you can be yourself, with the full range of expression …
And be with your partner, authentically, without playing games or withholding parts of yourself …
Where you can see them, and they can see you …
Where physical pleasure can arise as a journey …
It is in connection that possibilities happen.
Whereas Validation Sex limits you to romantic, “warm and fuzzy” sex that validates or else … And Friction Sex limits you to “eyes closed sex” without emotions …
Connection Sex is characterized by these four cornerstones:
Safety: inner and outer safety to be truly risky with each other — to be an individual with our own desires in a relationship and feel safe to ask for what you want, to express yourself and to surrender to your partner
Vulnerability to express your true self; your desires, your feelings, your inner world — which brings risk that fuels passion in a long-term relationship
Moment-by-moment attunement to yourself and your partner through presence and being in your body (out of your head)
Desire — the driver of eroticism, the question “What do you want?”
Want to break through to deeper passion,
sex & connection?
Apply for a free 30-minute phone consultation, where you can share what’s going on for you and I can make recommendations on the best next step.
I feel fully alive, vital and sexy. My relationship with my husband is hotter … sexier … exciting.
Suzan Acker • Relationship Coach • Ottowa, Canad
Our relationship is the best it’s been in recent years and that’s a lot due to our renewed intimacy..
Tom and Lacey • Married Couple • Brisbane, Australia