Enjoying Sex and Intimacy as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
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If you’ve noticed that you can’t jump straight into sex on a moment’s notice …
If you find yourself overwhelmed by life and as a result disconnected from yourself and your sense of sexuality …
If you need more than just a quick kiss and a breast squeeze to get into sex and crave gradual connection, sensuality and intimacy …
First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you.
What might be happening is that you are an HSP — a highly sensitive person — and your path to wanting sex reflects that.
According to psychotherapist and researcher Dr. Elaine Aron who coined the term in 1991 based on responses to the HSP self-test, about 15 to 20 percent of the population are born with a sensitive nervous systems that is able to pick up on the various subtleties around it. The sensitivity carries its gifts and also its heartaches. HSPs can easily become overwhelmed and freeze in the face of too much stimulation — both in every day life and in the bedroom.
According to Dr Aron from her book “The HSP in Love”, here are some of the common traits of HSPs:
It’s not that our eyes and ears are better, but that we sort what comes in more carefully. We like to inspect, reflect, ponder. This processing is not necessarily conscious. We may be aware of reflecting (or “ruminating” or “worrying,” depending on the mood we are in and the issue we are processing), but more often, this goes on without awareness. Hence we are very intuitive, meaning that we tend to know how things came to be the way they are and how they will turn out, but without knowing how we know all that. We are also good at using subtle cues to figure out what’s going on with those who can’t communicate with words—animals, plants, infants, unconscious parts of people, those who are ill (bodies don’t use words), foreigners trying to communicate with us, historical persons long dead (from our reading their biographies). […] We also get greater pleasure from the arts and from our own inner life. And we tend to think of ourselves as spiritual, so that, for example, we are on the average more willing than non-HSPs to sit at the bedside of a dying stranger and give comfort.
The bad news is that if we are going to pick up on all the subtleties around us, we are also going to be easily overwhelmed by high levels of persistent, complex stimulation. It’s a package deal. We are easily stressed in today’s world. We are also more sensitive to criticism; we process all input deeply, including information about our shortcomings. We are more easily made depressed or anxious due to traumas, processing those more deeply too. As a consequence, we may feel less hope and greater insecurity than those who do not reflect on experiences as thoroughly.
HSPs feel a lot and we feel deeply in various realms.
Building on Elaine N. Aron’s work, I distinguish three levels of sensitivity among HSPs that figure in life as well as in sex:
Sensory sensitivity: people who are highly sensitive in their senses are acutely away of the sensory information that they receive from the outside world and how that information is then processed in their bodies. HSPs with high sensory sensitivity are sensitive to how things such as sugar, alcohol, caffeine, drugs and even medicines affect them, how much sleep they require, how sensitive they’re to fragrances and perfumes (especially synthetic ones), noise levels, and strong flavors.
In sex, sensorily-sensitive HSPs are able to enjoy the sensuality of sex, but it is a challenge if they’re tapped out by the overstimulation of their life before even getting into the bedroom.
Energetic sensitivity: HSPs with strong energetic sensitivity can quickly attune to the moods of the people around them. They can “read the room” as they walk into it and are highly sensitive to people’s presence (and absence of it), quality of attention, openness, and connection. While energetically-sensitive people can reach deep levels of energetic connection — that often reaches into spiritual realms — they also find themselves at the mercy of other’s stronger and more negative moods.
In sex, HSPs with an energetic sensitivity prefer reaching deeper realms of sex, wanting to connect deeply with themselves, their partner, and God through sex — and often resonate with Tantric approaches that emphasize building deep intimacy and connection.
Emotional sensitivity: HSPs who are emotionally sensitive have easier and more pronounced access to feeling a wider range of emotions. When they love, they feel deep and profound love. When they feel sadness, they feel it deeply. When they feel anger, they feel it deeply. When they feel ecstasy, that can reach high levels of euphoria. Emotionally sensitive HSPs tend to be empaths who are able to understand and feel the many nuances of another’s perspective.
In sex, emotionally-sensitive HSPs need attention to and their partner’s acknowledgement of their emotional state, which in turn acts as a turn-on and can result in accessing the erotic in all sorts of emotions, including sadness, anger and even rage.
Sex is a combination of all three sensitivity realm: the sensory, energetic and emotional. It is not at all surprising that HSPs have a hard time desiring sex in a world that strips sex from its depth and makes it about movement, positions and orgasm.
HSP in Sex and Intimacy
The truth is that HSP are just as sexual as non-HSPs — but they need a different way at awakening their sexuality than non-HSPs. And in a world where 4 out of 5 people are not HSPs, and where rules of the game have been written to reflect that, it means that HSPs have to do a bit of extra work to get what we need. We need to shape sex to work for us.
The sensitivity, introspection and depth of feeling that HPSs significantly contributes to sex and intimacy. On the one hand, it adds depth and richness to what can otherwise feel like a soulless and lonely performance. On the other hand, physical sensitivity and awareness of subtleties can interfere with the often delicate dance of getting turned on and staying turned on. The path is what matters.
According to Dr Aron from her book “The HSP in Love”, there are no major differences in capacity to enjoy sex between HSPs and non-HSPs:
Number of sexual partners lived with
Duration of most recent sexual event
Sex being one of the most potentially satisfying parts of life
Being aroused by subtle cues
Difficulty making the transition into sex
Liking to be the one who is active and deciding what the two of you will do
Liking to talk during sex
Frequency of having an orgasm
Frequency of masturbating
Physical or emotional problems or medications interfering with sex
Having fantasies of having power over another person
Having been sexually abused, and if abused, having these experiences affect your life
Reporting a sexual dysfunction (such as lack of interest, not finding sex pleasurable, impotence, premature ejaculation)
Feelings of satisfaction, worry, excitement, or guilt during sex
Where HSPs do differ is the process of getting turned on. HSPs experience the following when it comes to sex:
Finding that sex has a sense of mystery or power about it — which translated to being less able to take sex lightly or perform without strong connection to their partner
Finding it difficult to return abruptly to ordinary activities after sex
Not being turned on by strong, explicit sexual cues
Having areas of your genitals that can be touched in a way that is painful or too intense, even when aroused — this was especially true for highly sensitive women compared to those who are not, but it was true for highly sensitive men when compared to their non-sensitive counterparts. HSP generally have a lower pain threshold — and in sex, that means that sex when under- and over-aroused can be painful.
Needing to stop or slow down during sex because of being overwhelmed or overstimulated
Being distracted or interrupted while having sex gets you out of the mood
While having sex or considering it, being easily disturbed by slight sounds, smells, seeing certain things (in the environment or the other person). For HSPs who are already overaroused from life that is too full of stimulation, sex and sexuality (the feeling of arousal and desire in the body and the sensations that come with that) can feel like yet another source of stimulation.
Liking to have things be the same each time you have sex and not particularly enjoying variety in sexual activities. (These differed for HSWs compared to non-HSWs, but even more for HSMs compared to non-HSMs.)
It’s worth repeating: HSP are just as sexual as non-HSPs — but we need a different way at arriving at our sexuality than non-HSPs.
Finding ways that work with HSPs highly sensitive nervous system and its brakes and accelerators requires avoiding situations that do not work and bringing more situations that allow HSPs to open up sexually.
These situations tend to exacerbate HSPs sensitivity and should be avoided:
Leaving intimacy to the last moment of the day, when they’re overstimulated and exhausted. Overstimulation drains HSPs and leaves them shut down and withdrawn — as well as irritable.
Being disconnected from their partners all day, without an intimate call, text or gesture, and expected to have sex upon reunion.
Lack of gradual foreplay and intimate connection that leads straight to intercourse
Being disconnected from their bodies all day and having to “get in the mood” on command when in the bedroom
Focus on sex when there are constant distractions around
Forcing yourself to do into sex even if your body is protesting in pain
Living as an HSP in a Non-HSP World
According to Dr Aron’s research, many HSPs feel alien in the world in general that moves more loudly, faster and more forcefully. I see that being particularly true in the realm of sex and intimacy. I often hear things such as:
“I feel so broken in sex. Everyone else seems to be fine. But what they call sex just doesn’t appeal to me — yet I have no words to describe what it is that I want.”
As a consequence of living in a world that neither recognizes nor values how you experience life and sexuality, it can feel lonely and downright maddening. As a result, HSPs learn to shape-shift to fit into what is expected of them, in the process numbing out and disconnecting from their bodies and sexuality. And that is not without serious mental health consequences, such as anxiety, depression, and a deep sense of unsettledness and unease in life.
In my experience working with HSPs over the last decade (and being one too), when it comes to sex, HSPs tend to:
Minimize our needs
Self-abandon and betray our boundaries
Accept less than what we really want and need
Lack the vocabulary to ask for what we need
Lack the confidence to assert our needs in a relationship, because we question that it’s even reasonable to ask for what we need
Tolerate more stimulation than we can handle to the point of pain
Not take up space and time to really recharge and recover our energy to be at our best
Again, these actions do not come without consequences to our mental health and our ability to show up fully in our lives, careers, and families.
5 Essential Things an HSP Needs to Come Alive in the Bedroom & Want Sex
First, there is a general list that HSPs need to reach out best selves:
Learn about ourselves and what we need
Work up the courage to assert our needs
Give up self-betrayal and set strong boundaries that we, first and foremost, follow and respect
Protect our energy and learn to manage it so that overwhelm is not your daily norm
Learn to love our sensitivity and encourage its magic
And specifically in sex, here are 5 essential things that an HSP needs to get turned on, want sex and enjoy it:
SAFETY, SAFETY, SAFETY. HSPs need a much slower pace, an understanding and curious partner, and a non-pressured environment. It’s like having the ideal setting for a delicate flower to open up. Because non-HSPs move at a much faster, rougher and less subtle pace, there needs to be a re-learning and a re-adjustment of what both partners do. That needs to be handled assertively but in a gentle manner, without making the non-HSP feel shamed or wrong. They’re not doing anything wrong in moving at their own speed. This is where most couples I work with need help. They often cannot find that safety on their own and need careful handholding to bring them back into a vulnerable and open space.
VOCABULARY. In a non-HSP world, what HSPs need is very subtle and often mercurial in nature. Because the world makes us feel broken that we want something different, HSPs need to discover the words to describe what we need — and build up the assertiveness to stand up for it.
FOCUS ON DEPTH & INTIMACY. Couples with one partner who is an HSP benefit greatly from learning sexual approaches with intimacy at the forefront. That adds meaning, depth and seriousness to sex, which is a turn-on for many HSPs. In a relationship, it reflects their mutual love, care and passion for each other. When I introduce and teach my clients Tantra, they can find experience sex in a way that not only works well for both, but brings out the magic in the HSP partner.
SLOW SEX IS GOOD SEX. The slower you go, the more an HSP’s nervous system can process the sensory, emotional and energetic inputs and respond in a turned-on way. The kind of fast-paced sex that non-HSPs can tolerate overwhelms HSPs to the point of becoming immobilized in a freeze response, which leads to avoidance of sex altogether. Tantra is a powerful approach to slow sex that allows HSPs to enjoy sex in a way that works for them.
ONGOING FOREPLAY IS KEY. For HSPs, there is no such thing as 15 minutes of foreplay before sex because openness to sex starts a long way before getting naked in the bedroom. Again, it’s worth repeating that the HSP’s nervous system needs time and space to process the sensory, emotional and energetic inputs to be able to respond in a turned-on sexual way. Foreplay should not be squished into some last-minute effort because it will backfire. It needs to be ongoing and involve different aspects, including emotional connection, energetic play, sensual stimulation, and communication.
To risk sounding like a broken record, I will repeat the obvious: HSP are just as sexual as non-HSPs — but we need a different way at awakening our sexuality.
All of my programs and approaches are tailored to work with an HSP woman and her non-HSP male partner. Knowing how to work with the non-HSP partner is just as important as working with the HSP, one as the lack of vocabulary and understanding of each other’s needs often creates deep rifts in couples that lead to the relationship death spiral that can lead to the end of a relationship.
If your relationship is worth fighting for, learning to bring out the best out of an HSP partner can catapult your relationship into deeper levels of love and relating.
Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.
P.S. When you’re ready to create a sex life that reflects the deep love for each other, here are a few options for you:
SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support
ENROLL in my signature step-by-step NAS Program for Women and the Men Who Love Them to learn to work with your responsive sexual desire to overcome the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband” problem, permanently