A Tale of Two Couples & One Sex Problem: How Some Marriages Be Saved and Others Cannot
/
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Meet Larry and Linda. And Paula and Peter.
Two married couples in their 40s.
They live almost identical lives. Two young kids each. Two thriving careers. A 3,500 square foot home in leafy suburbia.
And one big (and completely solvable) sex problem.
Differences in libido — a.k.a. “mismatched sex drives” or “desire discrepancy,” which happens to be the most common sex problem according to research. Up to 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex more than the other (Day, Muise, Joel, & Impett, 2015).
It played out the same way for these two couples.
Larry and Linda: Linda used to be quite frisky in the bedroom when they met, climbing on top of Larry and initiating as she wanted to. Their libido seemed equal and a perfect match to their aligned passion for their shared future: raising kids, while furthering their careers. Four years later, after the birth of their first child, her sexual desire disappeared. Five years into their marriage, they had a near-sexless marriage. They could count the number of times they had sex in a year on one hand, and each time felt like an obligation.
Paula and Peter: Their story is no different. Peter and Paula loved long weekend get-aways at the beginning of their relationship that lent themselves to lingering under the sheets for hours, if not days. They were compatible in their libidos, as well as in the passion with which they approached sex. With both initiating and responding, sex felt easy and fun. When the first baby arrived, they passionately dove into the joys and responsibilities of parenting. Without noticing, a year went by with little sexual interaction, mostly Paula obliging to Peter’s requests. Then another two years, then three. By year five, they had a near-sexless marriage, save for the couple of times they managed to have sex on vacation.
This is where their stories diverge.
Fast forward another five years …
Larry and Linda are on the brink of divorce. The completely solvable sex problem has unnecessarily pushed them apart — taking them down a vicious downward spiral of relationship-destroying behaviors and turning them into mean and bitter versions of themselves.
Paula and Peter, however, are deeper in love, and sex keeps getting hotter.
What happened?
The same sex problem tore one couple apart and brought the other closer together.
The same sex problem — with one big difference.
Let’s take a closer look at how these two couples approached falling into the “obligatory sex” trap.
Larry and Linda
Larry was patient for the first couple years, especially with the birth of their second, but the patience started to wear thin. He missed his wife, partner and love of his life and wanted to share the busyness of life — and its joys — through sex. Not only that, he felt alone and rejected. It deflated him and made him pull away and distance himself as a partner and father.
Desperately wanting to ignite Linda’s desire for sex, he tried spicing things up in the bedroom with things that he read online, proposing new toys and new positions as they’d climb into bed exhausted. He even suggested once that they go to a sex club to try something new and exciting.
His efforts were backfiring.
Linda found her body completely shut down sexually, first from the drastic postpartum changes, then from being over-touched, then from simply being exhausted by years of being on for her children. And for Larry too — she wanted to make sure that he is happy, so she settled for “obligatory sex” once in a while. Her body just wanted to rest, but she worked hard to get herself in the mood just enough for Larry to get it over with.
She was compromising in the name of the relationship, which is all she knew how to do.
Little did she know that compromise was her first step into the dangerous downward spiral that pulls you down like a quagmire.
When Larry started suggesting things to spice sex up, Linda boiled over in anger. Sex felt like a chore already — and she had more than enough of them. Not only that, why would she want to do more for Larry? It was hard not to notice that he was more distant than ever around the house, aloof even. She was working hard enough.
‘All you want from me is sex,’ Linda would scoff at his ideas.
Over the years, the tension grew. And it wasn’t only about sex.
Conversations about chores predictably devolved into hashing out built-up resentment — for Larry, over the lack of sex, and for Linda, over how hard she was working already to have sex with him and it was never enough.
Conversations about having more sex, the ‘It’s been a month’ reminder from Larry, invariably turned into rants about resentments over feeling unappreciated and unsupported in the house.
Larry withdrew more, and Linda became more pronounced in her complaints and criticisms. They fought all the time, over the little things, without truly resolving or healing any of the arguments. They were moving further and further down the spiral.
They ended up in a power struggle. Silent at times — and acting out at others. Resentment turned into anger, then contempt.
What started out as a common sex problem amongst a loving and passionate couple, turned into a relationship killer. Larry and Linda chose the path of obligatory relating — and walked it all the way to their relationship’s death.
They were done.
What could have gone differently?
Peter and Paula
After five years of nearly no activity in the bedroom, Peter was missing sex with his wife. He missed her body against his, and the way her eyes twinkled when she looked at him from being on top. He missed how they felt like a team afterwards — a feeling that made him more open and emotionally available at home, and more confident running his business.
Instead, he was feeling deflated and even resentful at times. He pulled away, burying himself into his business, and becoming less available at home.
He tried initiating and proposing new things to spark things up in the bedroom, to no avail. He could tell that Paula was not interested.
Paula was worn out from childbirth and the constant state of being on while raising young kids. Her body didn’t crave sex the way it used to. Actually, she didn’t crave sex at all — if Peter had never initiated, she’d be ok never having sex again. And that scared her.
She tried to get herself in the mood, following the myriad of online advice, but “obligatory sex” felt forced. She was overriding what her body wanted, which was to rest and recover.
Resentment was sneaking up on her too, from sharp remarks to Peter’s requests to feeling more entitled to his attention and help.
As this pattern became more and more pronounced, Paula sat Peter down to talk.
“My love, I want to share with you something vulnerable,” Paula started. “I am so happy with our lives. So full of joy watching our kids growing into their individual personalities. Your business has taken off so rapidly. And I am so glad to be going back to work. There is one thing that is worrying me … can I share this with you?”
Peter moved closer to Paula and took her hand.
“Of course, you can tell me anything. Whatever it is, we can figure it out together.”
“You know how after the first childbirth, I had trouble wanting sex. And now, a few years later, it’s completely off my radar. It scares me so much. I am afraid something happened within me. I feel broken because my desire for sex is nothing like it used to be. It really scares me that if you don’t initiate, I don’t even think about it. That doesn’t seem right. I force myself to have sex with for you, but I know that is not how I want to show up with you either. I don’t know what to do. And I see this affecting how I am with you. I don’t like how sharp I’ve gotten in my remarks with you. I don’t like myself when I do it either. I am sorry for that. You’re important to me, and I don’t want to do this to you or to us. I want to figure this out.”
Peter leaned in even more and held Paula tightly in his arms.
“I know what you mean. It scares me too. I have not wanted to push around sex, because I saw that you were not wanting it. But I truly miss you and want to find a way to rebuild our sexual passion. I don’t know how to do this either, and what I’ve tried by proposing new things doesn’t seem to work. Sex is important to me, and these last few years have been very hard on me … I feel rejected and disconnected, which effects me and you. I don’t like pulling away from you. We will figure this out together. You’re important to me, and I am not going to let this push us apart.”
Peter and Paula lingered in the embrace, assuring each other of the importance of their relationship and of finding answers.
Something deeply shifted between them.
They dared intimacy to solve their sex problem.
Even though they had gone up to Stage 2 of the intimacy-destroying spiral, they pulled through as a team to stop the damage in time. As they chose to get off the path of obligatory relating, the sex problem that was tearing them apart brought them closer together.
And together, nothing was insurmountable.
Over the years, Peter and Paula earned the badge of what I call “intimacy warriors,” seeking out support for their sex and intimacy and fighting for their love and relationship. They learned how to rebuild sexual desire for Paula and bridge the “desire discrepancy” gap. They got the tools and support to make sex an expression of their love for each other — and grow hotter and hotter over time.
They are one of hundreds of couples I’ve successfully helped over the last decade to rescue and revive their relationships.
The solution to every sex problem is daring intimacy.
Whatever their continent, age or race, each and every couple in the world faces a sex problem at some point in their lives.
Most face them constantly as they move through life stages — differences in libido, changes in desire due to childbirth, aging or illness, the ravages of stress on sexual performance, boredom, lack of connection and passion, inability to orgasm, get wet or get hard … the list goes on and on.
Some choose the path of obligatory relating, mistaking it as an expression of their love and commitment, only to find themselves destroying it in the process.
With obligatory relating, these sex problems can — and will — tear a couple apart, one way or another. Some will split up; others will live together for decades in a state of numb resignation and aloneness of a sexless marriage.
With obligatory relating, holding back from being honest with yourself about your feelings, fears and desires, intimacy with another cannot happen.
With obligatory relating, each and every sex problem — however big or small — will devolve into a relationship-killing spiral.
Without the resolve to fight against obligatory relating together, no revolution can happen.
By daring intimacy, you choose to face your partner vulnerably over something that feels so scary and overwhelming.
By daring intimacy, you become “intimacy warriors” who choose to fight for their relationship — instead of against each other.
By daring intimacy, you make the “sex problem” your enemy and choose to face it together.
Once on the same page and going in the same direction, the right resources and support through a structured process will lead you to the other side.
Take 5 minutes to assess the current damage level of your “sex problem” on your relationship.
It could mean the difference between rekindling your love, happiness and intimacy ... or the painful regret of drifting further apart.