What Happens When Men Talk About Their Feelings
/
In Short:
Men in a sexless marriage are often described as emotionally shut down, hard, or unable to talk about their feelings. But what if many men don't lack feelings — they lack a safe space to access and express them?
When men feel safe enough to put down the armor, they can discover what's underneath the anger, frustration, rejection, and resentment — which is often hurt, loneliness, fear, longing, and a desire for connection. That emotional clarity gives them more choices in how they respond to their partner and their sexless relationship.
If you're wondering how to get your husband to open up emotionally, the answer isn't pressure. Read the rest of the article to learn how to create that safety at home.
Reading time: 8 minutes
“Men are hard.”
”Men don't talk about their feelings.”
”Men can't access their emotions.”
”Men are shut down.”
”Men don't know how to communicate.”
From mainstream media to many a couples therapy session, we've heard these ideas so often that we've stopped questioning them.
But what if we're looking at the problem backwards?
What if many men aren't emotionally unavailable because they don't feel deeply?
What if they haven't had a safe enough place to show what they feel?
In fact, what if men aren't incapable of feeling deeply?
What if many men simply haven't had a safe enough place to show what they feel?
Over the last decade, I've seen what happens when that place exists.
Men soften.
They become vulnerable.
They become clearer.
They become more emotionally available.
And, surprisingly to some, they become better lovers and better partners.
What Happens When Men Finally Have a Safe Place to Open Up Emotionally?
I've watched this happen with individual men in my couples practice — and with men in our men’s groups for partners in sexless relationships.
Many arrive having spent years carrying enormous amounts of pain, frustration, loneliness, rejection, anger, fear, and grief — often without having anywhere to express it. Even to their partners. And sometimes, especially to their partners.
They may have learned early in life that being strong means keeping it together.
Don't cry.
Don't complain.
Don't need too much.
Don't be weak.
Solve the problem and move on.
Keep going.
And so they do.
They build careers.
Provide for their families.
Fix things.
Take care of business.
They become very good at functioning. But functioning isn't the same as feeling.
And when feelings finally become too big to contain, they may come out sideways.
As anger.
Irritation.
Resentment.
Criticism.
Withdrawal.
Silence.
Sexual pressure.
Or an insistence that the relationship — or their partner — needs to be fixed.
From the outside, this can look like emotional immaturity. This is where these stereotypical assumptions about men — such as “he’s a narcissist” or “he doesn’t feel anything” — come into play.
But often, there is something much more vulnerable underneath that men simply don’t have words for.
A man who doesn't know how to say:
“This distance hurts.”
… instead says:
“Why don't we ever have sex?”
A man who doesn't know how to say:
“I miss you.”
… instead complains that they're never intimate.
A man who doesn't know how to say:
“I'm scared you're no longer attracted to me.”
… instead becomes angry when he's rejected.
A man who doesn't know how to say:
“I feel completely alone in this marriage.”
… instead withdraws.
The behavior still matters — so does the impact on his partner. But understanding what's underneath the behavior gives us somewhere new to work and a way out of the common gridlocks that couples find themselves in.
Men don't need to be fixed. They need a safe space to access their feelings.
We women often ask men to open up as though vulnerability is a switch they can simply turn on.
“Talk to me.”
“Tell me how you feel.”
“Why won't you communicate?”
But opening up doesn't always happen because someone makes a demand of us. Vulnerability requires safety — for men, too.
Safety comes first.
A man needs to know that if he tells the truth, he won't immediately be corrected, analyzed, criticized, dismissed, or told what he should have done differently.
He needs to know that his feelings can exist without becoming an argument.
That he doesn't have to get it right.
That he can take his time and express himself at his pace.
That he can discover what he feels while he's talking.
This is especially important for men who have spent decades being rewarded for being competent and in control. Because accessing your feelings can be clumsy and awkward — and often maladroit.
If men don't know what they're feeling — and most men have never learned how to speak about that — they may experience the request to “can you talk about your feelings” as another situation in which they're failing. So they shut down even more.
But put that same man in a room with other men who say “Me too,” something changes.
Another man talks about feeling rejected.
Another talks about loneliness.
Another admits he's scared.
Another says he doesn't know whether he wants to stay in his marriage.
And suddenly, the man who thought he was the only one discovers:
I'm not the only one.
That realization alone creates enormous relief in the form of clarity. And with clarity comes motivation and ability to move forward and do something different.
For the men reading this:
If you've been carrying the weight of a sexless relationship mostly on your own, you don't have to figure it out alone. Our online Men's Group offers a confidential space to talk with other men who understand what you're going through.
Next group starts September 8, 2026.
What a Safe Space Makes Possible
A safe space doesn't mean that everyone agrees with you.
It doesn't mean your behavior is always justified.
It doesn't mean that someone tells you that you're right.
It means you can tell the truth without immediately having to defend yourself. It means being honest about yourself and your situation without the pressure to please or appease. It means dropping a performance mindset and just being with your feelings.
You can say:
“I'm angry.”
And discover that underneath it is hurt.
You can say:
“I'm furious that she doesn't want sex.”
And discover that underneath it is grief.
You can say:
“I don't care anymore.”
And discover that underneath the apathy is exhaustion.
You can say:
“I want to leave.”
And discover that underneath the impulse to escape is a desperate longing for something to change.
That's why safety matters. It opens doors to deeper understanding of ourselves, the situation and each other through a more honest way of communicating. It opens the door to curiosity. And curiosity opens doors that pressure never can.
What Happens When Men Finally Talk About Their Feelings?
Simply put: men find themselves.
The hardest thing for a man isn't having feelings. It's having somewhere safe enough to let those feelings exist.
As a result:
They put their armor down — and they find an enormous amount of strength in the tenderness within.
They become softer without becoming smaller.
More vulnerable without becoming powerless.
More emotionally connected without losing their strength.
And clearer about what they want.
And when the men put their armor down, their partners often discover something they couldn't see underneath it: tenderness. More than you can ever imagine.
What happens when men have a place to put down the armor?
You can hear it directly from men who experienced our Men's Group. In this short video, they share what changed when they finally had a safe place to talk, listen, and be heard. Watch their experience →
Softness Creates Clarity
There's something else I've noticed. When men have enough safety to soften, they often become clearer.
Clearer.
They begin to understand what they actually want.
Do I want more sex?
Yes.
But what does that really mean?
Do I want more touch?
Do I want to feel desired?
Do I want affection without it automatically leading to sex?
Do I want to feel emotionally close to my wife again?
Do I want to know whether this marriage can change?
Do I want to stop living in resentment?
Do I want to stay?
Do I want to leave?
Do I want to give the relationship another chance—but differently this time?
These are very different questions. The thing is that you can't always answer them when you're operating from anger and desperation. You have to get underneath the anger first.
That's where clarity lives.
Clarity Creates More Choices
When a man can become clear and find words for what's happening inside him, he has more choices.
He can distinguish anger from hurt.
Disappointment from rejection.
Desire from entitlement.
Loneliness from resentment.
Fear from certainty.
The feeling hasn't disappeared. But now he has a choice about what to do with it and address the situation without defaulting to getting the armor up.
Instead of:
“She never wants me.”
He may be able to say:
“I'm feeling rejected right now, and I'm getting scared about what this means for us. Can we talk?”
Instead of:
“You don't care about sex.”
He may be able to say:
“Sex and physical affection are important to me. I miss feeling desired by you.”
Instead of demanding:
“When are we going to have sex?”
He can begin to have a conversation.
That's emotional strength — and an invitation to deeper emotional intimacy.
Talking About Their Feelings Makes Men Better Lovers
There is another benefit to men becoming more comfortable with their feelings:
It can make them better lovers.
It’s never about better sexual techniques (although that doesn’t hurt either). It’s never about being more experienced.
When men become present to their own feelings, they become more available. When a man can feel what's happening inside him, he has more capacity to let his partner see him. And to be curious about her too.
He can say:
“I missed you today.”
“I loved that moment between us.”
“I'm feeling close to you right now.”
“I want to touch you, but I don't need it to lead anywhere.”
That's intimacy.
It lies in small moments in a couple’s life where you can feel each other.
It lies in reaching for your partner's hand.
In telling her something you're afraid to say.
In noticing that she's having a hard day and staying present instead of immediately trying to fix it.
These small moments are where emotional intimacy gets built. And emotional intimacy creates a different kind of erotic possibility.
A man who can open up about himself is often better able to open up to his partner.
He can let her know him.
And he can become curious about knowing her.
He can listen without immediately defending himself.
He can hear disappointment without experiencing it as an attack.
He can hold space for her feelings without needing to solve them.
He can be with her sadness without rushing to make it go away.
He can hear “I'm overwhelmed” and respond with presence rather than taking it personally.
He can notice when she's pulling away and become curious instead of pursuing harder.
And perhaps most importantly, he can begin to understand that connection isn't something his partner gives him when she has sex with him. Connection is something they create together, moment by moment.
And that changes sex. And sexual desire.
Drastically.
Because when a man is emotionally available, sex doesn't have to carry the entire burden of intimacy.
He doesn't need sex to be the only place where he feels wanted, close, connected, reassured or loved. There are other places for those needs to be met. And paradoxically, that can create more room for eroticism. Sex can become less about proving that the relationship is okay, getting reassurance, or relieving accumulated loneliness.
It can be more about sharing the beautiful moment and experiencing play, curiosity, and genuine desire. Simply, two people meeting each other.
Want to become more emotionally available — and more connected to your partner?
You don't have to do that work alone. The Men's Group is a place for men to explore what's happening underneath the frustration, rejection and loneliness of a sexless relationship, so they can show up differently at home—and in their intimate lives.
An Invitation to a Safe Space to Talk
This is exactly why my colleague and co-facilitator Ronnie Burke and I created our Men's Group for partners in sexless relationships.
It's a space where men don't have to figure everything out on their own.
They can talk about the things they may not feel comfortable saying at home.
They can hear another man say, “Me too.”
They can slow down enough to notice what's actually happening underneath the anger, frustration, rejection or shutdown. And they can begin to experience something many men have been missing for a very long time: being able to be fully themselves in the company of other men.
They can have their voice be heard.
We made a short video featuring men who participated in the group. They talk about what it was like to finally have a place where they could put down some of what they'd been carrying—and what changed for them as a result.
Watch the Men's Group experience →
Our next group begins September 8, 2026, with a maximum of six men.
If you're a man reading this and something here feels familiar, you don't have to know exactly what you need before reaching out.
And if you're a woman reading this and thinking, I wish my husband had somewhere like this, send him the video and the link to the group.
How do you help a man to open up emotionally?
If you're a woman trying to connect with a man who doesn't readily talk about his feelings, there are things you can do.
Not to manipulate him into opening up.
Not to get him to finally say what you want to hear.
But to create conditions in which vulnerability becomes more possible — and where your husband becomes more available to you emotionally.
1. Ask a question — and then really listen
This sounds simple.
It isn't.
Ask him something about his experience and then leave space for the answer.
Sometimes that means waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting some more.
Silence can feel incredibly uncomfortable when you're expecting an answer — especially when you’re needing that answer.
So you may assume he's avoiding the question.
You may want to fill the silence.
You may want to offer an interpretation:
“Are you angry?”
“Are you feeling rejected?”
“Is it because of work?”
Resist the urge.
Sometimes a man needs several minutes to find the words. Sometimes it’s several hours. Sometimes it’s several days.
Get comfortable waiting.
He may be searching internally for something he has never had much practice identifying.
Give him time.
You might be surprised by what eventually comes out when you don't rush to fill the silence.
And when he does speak, listen.
Don't correct.
Don’t analyze.
Don't immediately solve.
Don't defend yourself.
And certainly don't turn his vulnerability into evidence for your next argument.
Let him experience what it's like to say something tender and have it simply be received.
That experience can make it much easier to do it again.
2. Start soft
If you want someone to become vulnerable, don't begin with an accusation.
The nervous system responds to the emotional tone of an interaction long before the words are fully processed. And when that tone emotes threat, he will rightly jump to defend himself.
Compare:
“Why do you never talk to me?”
with:
“I've been wondering what's been going on for you lately. I'd really like to understand.”
Or:
“You don't care about me anymore.”
with:
“I've been missing you. I wonder if you've been missing me, too.”
Soft doesn't mean passive.
It doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations.
It means setting the stage for connection rather than defense. It is about leading the way. In fact, the more you lead with vulnerability and softness, the more he will follow.
3. Be curious about his experience
This may be the most important one.
Curiosity is different from judgment.
Judgment says:
“You're angry because you don't get enough sex.”
Curiosity asks:
“What's happening inside you when we go a long time without sex?”
Judgment says:
“You're shutting down again.”
Curiosity asks:
“What happens for you when this conversation gets difficult?”
Judgment assumes it already knows.
Curiosity wants to discover.
And this difference completely changes the conversation.
You don't have to agree with his experience.
You don't even have to like it.
But you can be curious about it.
“What was that like for you?”
“What did you make that mean?”
“What are you feeling right now?”
“What do you wish I understood?”
“What do you need?”
These questions create an invitation that deepens the conversation rather than shuts it down.
