This is a vulnerable post to write. Anger has always been my shadow – the one thing I have never wanted anyone to see. Anger was synonymous with being aggressive and vicious, manipulative and violent. Most of all, it reminded me of my father and the ways his explosive anger towards me and my mother hurt us. The scars were deep.
I never wanted to be “that” kind of person. I wanted to be a good girl. A kind person.
Yet, all my life, I would irrupt in anger and rage. It would be unexpected and random, provoked by the smallest things. My body would fire up and my face tense up. My pupils dilate, lips thin, and face contort in rage. Words - caustic and malicious - would spew out of me as if I were possessed. I blamed, making sure that the offenders knew their fault – and knew it well. I was like a wild fire going through a forest, wiping out everything in its path.
When it was over, I would calm down and come about, as if from an unconscious trip. I would see the wreckage and regret what had happened: the things I had said, the hurt I had caused. I’d feel a wave of shame wash over me. I’d cry: “How can I do something like this? This is not me. Why can't I stop?”
I would make amends in deep shame for hurting those I loved so deeply. It was always people I loved. I hated the idea that I was becoming more and more like my father. And yet, it would happen over and over.
You’re probably wondering, why am I writing in defense of anger?
I worked hard to dismantle my anger, or “cool the flames,” as Thich Nhan Hanh calls it. In fact, I was resolute on eradicating it. It was in the name of a big cause: I was not going to be like my father. I was going to be a loving person that I knew I was.
I found calmness and serenity in meditation and used my breath to separate myself from my anger. I learned from Buddhist teachings that my anger is not me; in fact, I am separate from these “toxic emotions”. I followed emotional intelligence work and found support in the perspective that anger is a “negative” emotion that has to be managed.
I felt like celebrating: I had found my way out. I was saved.