How to Radically Improve Your Sex Life with This Mindset Change (via Huffington Post)

Featured as How to Radically Improve Your Sex Life with This One Mindset Change in the Huffington Post

Do you want to add more richness and fire to your sex life?

Here is the thing. It’s not about toys or positions. And it’s not about getting to know each other better.

Quite the opposite.

It’s about getting curious about yourself and your partner as if you’ve never met.

You’re probably thinking that it’s the opposite of all the advice you’ve ever heard.


The reality is that we’re constantly changing and evolving, moment to moment. At the cell level and beyond, our bodies are changing every second, our emotions and feelings too. A mere momentary “aha” or an emotional jolt can catapult you into a completely different state of consciousness, making reality of the last moment unrecognizable.

Our desires are constantly shifting too. What felt good yesterday may not feel good today. What you wanted yesterday may feel foreign today.

When we assume that we know ourselves and each other, we stop listening and getting curious. We get rigid. And we get hurt when things don’t go as planned.

We end up applying something that’s static (a sex routine) on top of something that’s changing and evolving in every moment (our bodies, desires and connection), effectively stifling the thing that creates magic.

So what if you approach sex with a beginner’s mindset?

Imagine, a radically different way of having sex that’s about connection with each other, moment to moment.

It’s radically different because you cannot a priori figure out what you want or what your partner wants. There are no scripts.

You have to feel your way into it. You have to do it with beginner’s eyes.

This is connection sex.

Imagine, instead of entering the bedroom with an idea of what sex looks like and a goal, you allow the connection between you and your partner to dictate what’s next.

You let go of preconceived ideas and expectations. Strip away the goal. Forget everything you know.

Slow down. Get naked. And feel into what’s there.

Let your body lead. Let your mind quiet down.

Let desire dictate your moves. Let the sensation in your body and your partner’s turn you on. Let the attention and curiosity for each other fuel the connection.

Get curious: What’s here now? And now? And now? What’s wanting to emerge? What sensations is my body feeling? What’s my body wanting? What’s my partner feeling? What’s arising between us?

Surrender to your own inner guidance and flow. Feel what’s created between.

Sometimes it’s hot and heavy. Other times subtle. Electric. Soft and tender. Undulating. Still.

There are peaks and valleys. Hot and cold. Loss of control. Taking control. Stop. Flow. Play.

There is no order, no scripted path.

When there is no goal, variety naturally emerges. When you get curious, things become new.

Sex does not need to look a certain way. Let the connection create it anew in every moment.

Sometimes all it takes is a make-out. Other times penetration feels right. Other times, you lay in each other’s arms, in total stillness, intertwined in a wild embrace .... until you can no longer tolerate the heat arising between you and it shifts. Or you fall asleep, tender, connected, still.

Whereas goal-oriented sex is about arriving, completing, achieving, connection sex is about flowing, shifting, becoming, evolving - with no end in sight. No repetition. No expectations.

Whereas goal-oriented sex often creates pressure to perform, connection sex is about presence, attention, desire - whatever it looks like.

Whereas goal-oriented sex opens room for hurt feelings and disappointments from failed expectations, connection sex is about including all that arises and enjoying the thrill of what you create together - whatever it looks like.

Like a river, connection sex evolves, creating and recreating itself, moment to moment, touch after touch, sensation after sensation.

Connection sex is not about what sex looks like. Or even having sex. And it’s certainly not about the path to get off.

It is the path. It is about what sex feels like when you have nowhere to go.

What does it take to have connection sex?

Truth be told, this kind of sex is an advanced practice. Advanced, because it takes a crazy amount of self awareness, vulnerability and trust to risk getting off for connection. 

It takes exquisite attention to yourself and your partner, underscored by surrender and love.

And it takes trust. That when you strip away the moves and the scripts, leaving yourself naked in your emotions, body and energy, you have to trust that you are enough.

When you have nothing else but connection, there’s a richness of experience that you cannot get by getting off with each other and a satisfaction of having created rather than merely achieved.


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